If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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