Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
