and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
