Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
