i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
