I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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