i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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