I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I'm passing your future prison.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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