Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
she looked like the before picture.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Randomize
