does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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