Don't you send me to vm
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Randomize
