he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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