I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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