the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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