My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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