i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
