you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I think I won the penis lottery.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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