I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
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In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
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I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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