Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
