im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
It's Friday. Sex?
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
my liver is dry heaving
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
