So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
