If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need a burrito and a hug.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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