and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
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