just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
