i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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