he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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