It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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