Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
