shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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