Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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