HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
