so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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