bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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