Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
