I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
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