Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
