every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
