Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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