i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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