it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
