i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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