She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
