Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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