I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
