would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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