We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
