Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
