We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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