I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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