A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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