I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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