ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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