My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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