I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
