Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
