just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
