I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
