Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
