you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
